I am waiting for a sign (be it phone call or email) that I am the chosen one for an exciting new job. It’s work that will challenge me and heighten my professional reputation and pay me a tidy sum. I feel exactly as I did all those years ago as a spotted adolescent, waiting by the phone for the pimply boy of my dreams to call. It’s that same mixture of excited optimism and deepening despair. It’s awful. It’s the kind of trauma that only chocolate can alleviate.
I put together a pretty terrific submission for the job, and I tried my best to be cool in the initial meeting. Well, I’m reasonably sure I was cool on the outside, even though my inside was more like a blubbery mess. I think I did everything I could to guarantee the job, except lower my rate. I played hardball on that front, and made a good case for why I was probably more expensive than my competitors.
And now, I wait… yep, still waiting. If I get the job I will be extremely chuffed. If I don’t, I’ll take it extremely personally. I know I shouldn’t, I even advise my students not to. This is business, I say, and that is personal. Never the twain shall meet! But I am full of crap. Of course I will take it personally, and then after a few medicinal glasses of wine and even more chocolate I will invent flawless rationalisations for why I didn’t get it. That, of course, will help me to move on and keep hunting.
The good thing about being expensive is that I can always fall back on that as my excuse. They couldn’t afford me! And let’s face it, it’s often true. And deep down, I really do think I’m worth the extra money. If I lowered my rate to guarantee the job it would have been a hollow victory, especially when I’m so sure I would do an excellent job. And I’m pretty sure I convinced the client of that.
So now, I wait. And while I wait, I eat chocolate. Nothing like a bit of comfort eating to get through.
Ring phone, dammit!!! Sigh…
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